以死亡的种子换取生命的果实

住在美国阿肯色州的妮基18岁，之前从没有听别人谈论过自杀这回事。但当这事发生在自己家人身上时，她觉得不能再沉默了。

My little brother, Tyler, and I were extremely close growing up. We’d make up top-secret handshakes after watching our favorite show. We spent hours talking about music: I play the clarinet[单簧管], and Ty was a true band geek[怪胎] whose trumpet[小号] was never far out of his reach. Sure, we bickered[斗嘴] over stupid stuff—it drove me crazy when he’d leave up the toilet seat in the bathroom! But we told each other everything. Or so I’d thought.
我和弟弟泰勒自幼就非常亲近。我们会在看完最喜欢的节目后来个秘密握手；我们会花很长时间讨论音乐：我吹奏单簧管，泰则是一个不折不扣的乐队怪胎，小号从不离手。当然，我们也会为一些无聊小事争吵——每次他在浴室上完厕所却没有把厕所板放下我就抓狂！然而我们无话不说——或者我原以为是这样吧。

Dazed [茫然的] and Confused
茫然与困惑
There was nothing particularly memorable about the cold midwinter Arkansas day when Ty killed himself. Ty, 14, got home from band practice and did the usual: cheerfully greeted everyone, then went straight to his room to practice his trumpet. Once dinner was ready, he joined my mom, my dad, and me to eat barbecued[烤肉] chicken while watching TV. I noticed then that Ty wasn’t talking much—typically[通常] he and my dad joked around the whole time. But it didn’t seem like anything was wrong, and after taking out the trash, Ty went back to his room. I had no idea it would be the last time I’d see him.
泰自杀的那个仲冬天，寒冷的阿肯色一切如常，没有发生什么印象特别深刻的事情。14岁的泰参加完乐队训练后回到家，像平常那样高兴地向各人问好，然后径直走回自己房间练习小号。晚餐准备好后，他跟爸爸妈妈和我一边吃烤鸡，一边看电视。我发现泰没怎么说话——通常他和爸爸会不停地开玩笑。但没什么不对劲儿的。倒完垃圾后，泰回到自己的房间。我没想到这是我最后一次见他。

It was nearly 8 o’ clock when I heard what sounded like glass breaking coming from Ty’s room. My dad went to find out what happened, then my mom checked too before dragging[拖，拉] me into their bedroom. “What’s going on?” I asked. She was crying so hard, she couldn’t answer. Then my dad showed up with all of our shoes and coats and screamed, “He’s still got a pulse[脉搏]. We’re going to the emergency room[急救室]!”
差不多8点的时候，我听见泰的房间里传出类似玻璃破碎的声音。爸爸过去看看发生什么事。妈妈也去查看了，之后她把我拉到他们房间。“发生什么事了？”我问。她哭得很厉害，根本无法作答。爸爸随后拿着我们的鞋子和外套出现了，他叫道：“他还有脉搏。我们要去急救室！”

“Oh, my God, I don’t get it! What happened?” I yelled. But no one answered me. All of a sudden, an ambulance[救护车] was at my house, and we got into the car and sped off behind it. When we arrived at the hospital, Mom and I were put in a private room while my dad checked on Ty. “What’s going on?!” I asked again. Mom was hyperventilating[强力呼吸], but she was able to catch her breath enough to say, “Ty tried to kill himself.”
“噢，我的天啊，我不明白！发生什么事了？”我叫道。但没有人回答我。突然，一辆救护车来到我家。我们也上了车，驱车紧跟其后。到达医院后，妈妈和我被安排在一个单间，爸爸则去查看泰的情况。“到底怎么回事？！”我再次问到。妈妈竭力地呼吸，但终于能够缓过气说话：“泰试图自杀。”

I was in total denial[否认]. “That’s not funny!” I yelled. Then my dad returned, looked at my mom, and shook his head as if to say, “Ty didn’t make it.” My mom passed out[昏倒]. I didn’t have any emotion. I wasn’t even crying. NOTHING made sense[有意义].
我一点也不相信。“开什么玩笑！”我叫道。爸爸回来了。他看着妈妈摇了摇头，仿佛在说：“泰没活过来。”妈妈晕倒了。我一点感觉也没有，甚至没有哭。一切都显得毫无意义。

Feeling Lost
怅然若失
After Ty shot himself, my family alternated[交替，轮流] between tears and silence, barely leaving the house. I didn’t go to school for more than four months. I just couldn’t understand why he’d done it—he’d never said that anything was wrong, and it wasn’t until after Ty died that his friend told us that my brother had confessed[承认，坦白